Have you been to FX? *sigh* for you who are not gaul enough Jakartans, among which I
used to be counted (I know you notice the past tense I use…  you just can’t let me say myself gaul enough now, can you?!
@#@*^&#%* still, I state a fact!), fx is the new mall in town. By “in
town” I mean it is indeed truly literally factually in the centre of modern
civilization of Jakarta and worth some mentioning (I implicitly mock the places
of outskirts Jakarta which boast “malls” in their own sense. It is not “in town”
for me. The fact that I do happen to live in one of those places doesn’t have
anything to do with my mocking, of course…)

Yup, I think fx is the newest mall as when I write this.
There are just several things I noticed there that I wanted to write. (Oh come
on, I know you start to move your mouse to the address bar to type some other
addresses and or cruise the pointer around the red button of close button. Hold
on a minute laaah :D ).

I had been there only twice, and the first time I didn’t
really notice anything since we were such in a hurry that we climbed all the
escalators to the top floor, went down, and then were out of the mall (now
after I write this, it does sound like we’re doing some strange exercise IN a
mall that time…). On the second time, though, I managed to notice some
peculiar and interesting things.

Let’s start with several things. Good things.

You can see a
“Ducati” standing in the front of the main lobby. For a non-racing-enthusiast,
like me apparently (oh gosh, what kind of sport am I enthusiastic about then??),
it is a brand of a racing sport motorbike (I guess… you gotta search google
lah). It’s supposed to be a cool bike. I guess it is. Does anybody know how
much it costs (coz I have no idea)? coz you might be able to get it for just
100 thousand there. Not shocked? I talk about IDR not USD here… oh come on, be
shocked, please. Don’t be too hopeful yet, it’s not like you can hand out
100thou rupiah to the guard and take it home. It will long be gone already if
anybody can do that! you need some tricks for that, which I will reveal, if you
don’t know yet!

Fx is actually a nice mall. Do you know the EX plaza, the
one next and connected to PI? (now if you don’t know what these are, maybe it
is a wise idea to consider buying ‘Jakarta for dummies’. They have everything
for dummies in stores lately. I wonder when they will get to ‘peeling fruits
for dummies’ coz I need one!!).

yup, EX and FX were told to me to have some connection. (I’d
like to use sarcasm again, prepare yourself) for you who do not have fully
developed adult brain yet, the connection is of course that ‘f’ comes after ‘e’
in the alphabets. (Hush hush, I know it’s a big revelation to some of you, but
stop making that “O” shaped lips, will you?) Actually, I was told that both had
the same developer (or owner?). I don’t know for sure, that’s why I use the
“was told” thing, right?

And they indeed share similar features. (I hate to admit it,
but I did notice this after some
emak-emak told her husband, ‘yes yah, it looks a lot like EX’. And not
after I did some architectural analysis did I come up with agreement. BUT what
the heck do I know about architecture?!?!!?).

Anyway, most of the shops were occupied by restaurants still.
I even got the impression its concept was like Citos but with full AC indoor
(yes, it’s Cilandak Town Square. Someone actually managed to ask me once, if it
was the snack Cheetos that I meant to tell).

There was one
particular floor (I forget which since I have SUCH great architectural analysis.
floor F2, I guess) comprises almost entirely of restaurants, but the walkway
was kinda twisted here and there that I once ended up to a single restaurant (I
suppose it was a dead end, but I never found out since I stopped when the
waiter approached me. I didn’t plan to eat since I was still waiting for a
friend and instead of walking back away [which would make me look stupid and
entirely not-charismatic like a poor kid, which I tried desperately to cover of
course, which i am not!], I asked him the first question came to mind, ‘where is the escalator
ya?’ it proved to be a dumb question. He indicated the way with his fingers
[while suppressing an urge to laugh out loud, I think! He had that sly smile, I
swear! :D ], and it was where I just showed up moments before. Grrr, I should
start studying this mall more. Luckily it was kind of dim so he couldn’t have
seen my reddening face. Hahaha, no lah!).

This floor also had some kind of standalone transparent
pod-like rooms. I didn’t actually know what this place for, but my power of
observation was above normal, you see. Apparently, some rooms were occupied and
they used it as a gathering place, like for business meeting while you can dine.
It has a TV for presentation purpose, I guess. It was claimed to be able to
provide gaming and karaoke too. Hm, cool huh? But who wants to karaoke in
transparent room while many people might actually pass by and watch? Isn’t it
the whole idea of making karaoke room to be as private and as obscured as
possible just like a whore house? But there might be, of course, in this crazy
time of generation.

The main attraction to this place is of course the
much-talk-about ATMOSTFEAR. There were lots of review already, but I’m entitled
to give mine, so stop complaining. Haha.

It was a slide (like a kindergarten children slide),
designed as a tube extending and twisting downwards from the seventh floor to
the first. It is available for a ride, of course. You will be lent a jacket,
knee caps, helmet, and hand gloves to make you look cool (No lah, it’s for
safety, you nowadays-want-to-look-cool-always-but-not-knowing-how-to kid). Then
you will be given a mat to hold on to while sliding inside. After you are ready
and on your position, the crew will push you into the slide.

Now, I was cool at that time thinking, ‘ah, just a slide and
it isn’t that inclined too. Moreover, what can happen inside a tube anyway?’ But
no matter how cool I was, I kind of broke inside! Haha. I didn’t expect it
would be THAT fast. What I feared most was me toppling over my head and rolling
inside instead of sliding. It was ridiculous of course.

I wanted to shout out loud (for such ride shouting is the
best relieve, really!), but I was cool remember!? With millions of people
watching the slide ON EVERY FLOOR how could I embarrass myself, rite? (Well, I
exaggerate the millions of people, but it felt like that to me! Haha). So all I
managed was tiny falsetto sound of “ooooo..oohhh“ “uuuuuu” during the downwards plunge (now I recall
it sound like Thai-men when they speak. I just noticed in several Thai-movies
lately that no Thai-man speaks quite with macho-vigor, are there? Maybe it’s
just their language. ;p). There were others who didn’t hesitate to
“AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH” a lot, ESPECIALLY the girls. You, who’s got balls, shout
please!

No need to worry if you feel sliding too fast, that you will
crush yourself to pieces in the landing mattress on the first floor, coz there
is a slowing mechanism somewhere in the middle of the slide for you to catch
your breath and guts. And the mattress was comfy too. I felt a little bit dizzy
after crashing (I think it’s because I was not wearing glasses at that time.
yes, perfect excuse reasonable explanation), but there was a man helping me up.

And they timed you too. They claimed you could get to the
landing in 12 seconds. (mathematic update: if you can guess the height of each
floor, time it with 7 [floors], then divide it with 12 seconds, you will get
your average vertical drop speed. I tempt to calculate, but I don’t want to
make a fool of myself guessing the wrong height. Arrgh). They got a TV display
at the side of the landing opening showing how many seconds you did the slide
(I overheard someone asking his girlfriend, what the number on the display
meant. Geez, THIS is what I called a non-updater or tidak gaul. Hahahha. Maybe he’s just making conversations with his
girlfriend lah. Or maybe he’s a super busy executive who doesn’t have the
leisure to check on such not important feature of a new mall like I do someone).

I got 10++ seconds. Hmm, I had a theory then. The heavier
you were, the longer you would be inside. (I know you argue the heavier oneself
is, the quicker he drops. That’s false of course. If you had given more
attention to your hateful annoying physics teacher, you would have known what
Newton proposed, of course: mass does not affect the acceleration given by the
gravity. It means if you drop a feather and a barbell from the same height,
they will reach the ground at the same time, given the air is vacuumed. It is
not applicable on Earth of course, since the air friction will cause heavier
objects to reach bottom quicker than lighter one. If I need to explain this, I
will open a physics class soon – and I’m not sure what I said was right either.
hahaha). So, the heavier you are, the bigger the friction between your body and
the inclined plane of the slide surface, making you slide slightly slower. It
proved right with me and my friends. She was ‘definitely’ heavier than me, and
she needed 11++. But two experiments can’t be used to confirm a theory. Try
find out yourself lah! :D

Interested? You can get this ride for free! Well, not really
free actually. You need to spend 100thou rupiah in this mall and exchange the
bill with one ticket (moronic statement coming…: yes, you need at least 200thou
for two tickets, 300thou for three, etc). So it is in a sense a free ride,
since you get what you pay for plus a free ATMOSTFEAR ride.

And for every 100thou
purchase, you could get a coupon for the Ducati prize lucky draw. It’s like
throwing a single stone to kill three birds: first bird your purchase, second
bird the ATMOSTFEAR ride, and the third the coupon. The third bird would be a
tricky one though, since it was an acrobatic bird that’s hard to hit with a
stone. (you got what I mean or do I have to explain it? Please don’t say you
need to… *oh well, I’ll explain* you will need a grand luck to get the Ducati
prize since it’s a lucky draw, of course *sigh* *geleng-geleng*).

Now let’s get to the peculiar things I mentioned.

The toilet. Instead of having a usual writing of ‘gents’ or
‘ladies’ or their variations or simple symbols, they put carvings of “a lady
sitting on a stool” for ladies, “a man peeing with his pee visible curving
downwards” for gents, and (sorry I forget what it is) for babies.

And inside the gent’s toilets, they put a long mirror in
front of the urinals: a perfect idea to check out your handsomeness while
peeing, or to distract you from your unbearable urges to take a peep at your
neighbor’s little brother (euw), or if you are interested in his little
brother, then you can check out the owner’s face through the mirror. What a
homo-philic toilet! I don’t know, maybe it’s just there to remind you to pee
quickly if there’s a queue behind you or maybe someone stalking you or doing
weird things or what lah, just like at the ATM, rite?… And just right across
the urinals’ mirror, there was a big mirror for the washstand. Oh yeah, you can
check the butt of the little brother’s owner out when you (pretending to) wash
your hands.

you ask me about the ladies’? what do you think I grow two heavy breasts and one scallop suddenly ar? how the heck do i know!

One shop. If your eyes were keen enough, you would notice a
shop with a name of “cintamani”. Pornographically sick, daring, and cool huh.
(for you who don’t understand this [yet again?], try break the word into
‘cinta’ and ‘mani’. Don’t you dare ask me what ‘mani’ is: it’s sticky, it’s
white, and it’s claimed to be sweet..? it contains million souls. Got it yet?? **No, it’s not a thick milk!!** **give up explaining..**). I thought it was supposed to be an English
or Chintcha Lauwfra version of the city Kintamani in Bali…? Whatever it is, there’s no ‘cinta’ or
obviously no ‘mani’ or more than obvious no “cinta mani” related things inside!
You wish!

Well, I don’t really have fun here except for the ATMOSTFEAR
ride. The shops were not in my league both for my taste and financial point of
view. There were no shops for the usual brands I liked, and the prices were
overly expensive, and mostly they were girls’ stuffs. Open up some FCUK stands,
maybe I’ll change my mind…

HEY, they have a website for this, checkout http://www.fx-generation.com/

[THEN WTH am I typing this all for if I can give you the
link from the beginning?? SO you will read my blog, of course!!]