Rudy Yuan’s Streak oF BluE

My stupid mouth

Has got me in trouble

That is the first two opening line of John Mayer’s My Stupid Mouth.

Two of my dearest friends seemed to have good experience with their stupid mouths. One was particularly quite eager to practice it from time to time. Stupid as it was, it was a source of good laugh for us.

Yesterday.

Like usual, I won’t mention names, or the person involved would start getting famous, which I totally don’t want! It’s enough for me alone to get all the fame, the others are just decorators, my entourage. LOL (I’m sure one of them smirks right now, the other starts calling me names, animal ones).

So instead, I’ll use their current job title.

Person one. Short, big stomach (working on it, he said, which means he’d try hard to suck it in by pulling his breath and his stomach muscles in), always in defensive mode (I just noticed this behavior of him lately, which we liked to tease just to annoy him; and he got annoyed easily simply because it was indeed true he always went defensive to all accusations, direct or indirect), slept more than 8 hours a day and still complained about it, impatient, the driver (not car driver, but the one who liked to push people around, literally and figuratively)..

okay okay, I think you’ll have figured him out. Writing anything more I might get a spooky face from him for the next entire week. Let’s called him SME, short for Subject Matter Expert. OH yeah, don’t you like the title of it! He was an expert working from home and only needed to go to the office to scan passports, because he had nothing better to do! (okay, I have just won myself a hit in the face, I’d better stop or my place would be bombed, one that even worse than Marriot!)

Person two. Thin. Messy hair once it got long. Porn-laden smiling face. Unprincipled (He changed his mind every 30 seconds. Sometimes. But enough times). Pedophilic.

……OH MY GOD, I couldn’t think of anything else bad about him…! What’s the matter with me?!

Let’s call him Solution Analyst. Not so appropriate, since he had been asking for relationship solutions all around some time ago and you called him solution analyst?? Bah. (I’m not afraid in insulting this one; this one could be tamed with a simple KFC Kid’s Meal. Easy)

Person three. …… umm I couldn’t think of anything bad. He’s just simply perfect!! Oh my god, I really want to be this man, cause YEAH IT’S ME! Haha. Let’s not give me names. I like myself.

So, SME, SA, and I were having dinner at a Thai restaurant. SME made the suggestion, like usual, cause he suddenly fell in love with TomYum after a short holiday in Phuket. He was the excited kind, which I branded childish, which he denied, which means even more that it’s true.

So, the three of us were sitting at a table by the wall, looking at the menu. SME chose TomYum, which was a large portion dish. But we had really no doubt whatsoever he was more than capable to finish it all and more. I ordered Fried Rice in Pineapple, which was a signature dish of Thailand, beside the more famous TomYum. SE didn’t order anything cause he had eaten the Kid’s Meal I had bribed him earlier (he asked me to buy it, desperately, so he could get the BumbleBee CHILD toy to play with. How more pedophilic could one be!?).

Me: Duh, I had eaten a lot tonight, I don’t think I can finish all the rice. Take some from me. (I, unlike SME, really did not finish the rice)

SME: Yes nih, I won’t be able to finish this TomYum too. Both, share with me, okay.

(This, of course was a pretense. There was no way he couldn’t finish it. That’s how SA made this following line)

SA: Okay, you know I can do that, since I’M NOT AS FAT AS YOU. (this big letter meant he said it with some emphasis, louder higher pitch with snide edge, to mock  SME, contradicting his fatness to his stated humble appetite)

I was playing my BB at that time, so I didn’t notice anything, but SME got excited. He was indeed speechless, but not by the fact that he was indeed fat, since he was smiling wickedly wide while looking at me. I was confused while he smiled so horrendously until I saw A BIG WIDE ASS was passing RIGHT beside our table. It turned out to belong to a lady with HUGE body parts, who was passing through our table to go to the wash basin. She was SO huge that she had difficulties passing through the small gap between our tables; RIGHT WHEN SA said out loud “I’m not as FAT as YOU”.

I looked at SA. He was bending his head low, probably his feet were bracing firmly for an instant escape if the lady ever turned around and gave him (oh yeah) her DAMN scary sour face that seemed capable to melt anything.

We dared not move for that brief seconds, until she passed and we laughed out loud at SA’s stupid mouth. I was sure if the lady had decided to smack SA, we couldn’t have done anything but watched from afar, and meanwhile, of course, taking pictures and laughed. She was so huge I first suspected she was a male. Her face was nowhere feminine and her hair was even messier.

SA probably never felt safe until the lady left with her companion. During the meal he kept a bitter smile, ate poorly, and dared not look anywhere else but only his cell phone while I sang John Mayer’s My Stupid Mouth. Poor him, intimidated wirelessly by the lady sitting not more than 2 meters away.

Ohh, it’s another social casualty

Score one more for me

How could I forget

Mama said, think before speaking

No filter in my head

What’s a boy to do

I guess he’d better find one soon

When she left, I noticed she wore a Borobudur tee. Thank God she had been enlightened. That what saved SA’s face.. and dignity, I guess. LOL

….

And I can see clearly

An indelible line was drawn

Between what was good, what just slipped out, and what went wrong

….

I’m never speaking up again

It only hurts me

I’d rather be a mystery than she desert me

Oh, I’m never speaking up again

Starting now..

But to think again, it’s probably SME’s fiery face that had saved us that night. If her face could melt anything, his face could render anything to nothingness. UPS, great, I just won another beautiful smack to my stomach… with his fiery face. HELP! I promise I won’t call you fat anymore, SME… for today. HAHA

I had just finished swimming in a swimming pool in Kuningan area that afternoon, after which just like the usual I decided to take the Busway to get to Sudirman. A friend had asked me to accompany him watch a (childish) cartoon movie despite the fact that I’d watched it several days before. This was the price I had to pay to be one’s good friend (I dare not say ‘best’ friend since he’d just got back in relationship again with his ex and didn’t tell me!)

Anyway. I was still hooked up with my new BB at that time (super important fact). So there I was, trying to cram into the unusually crowded busway, got into the bus middle alley so my ass wouldn’t be sandwiched by irresponsible crotches, and started to text on the soft beloved BB keyboard.

Now you who are familiar with Busway’s Ragunan-Kuningan and Blok M-Kota routes should proceed to CONVERSATION section. For you who don’t understand a damn, you can refer to DUMMY KNOWLEDGE section for anything you don’t understand about the line.

DUMMY KNOWLEDGE section

Here’s the Ragunan line:

… Kuningan Madya - Setiabudi Utara - Latuharhari - Halimun (Pulogadung line exchange) - Dukuh Atas II (terminus station, all passengers without continuing ticket should disembark, also Pulogadung line exchange, BlokM-Kota line exchange) - Setiabudi Utara - Kuningan Madya … (back to the loop)

Here’s the Blok M - Kota line:

… Karet (my place, baby) - Setiabudi - Dukuh atas I (exchange to Ragunan and Pulogadung line, not terminus) - Tosari - Bunderan HI - Sarinah - to far far away

CONVERSATION section

This happened in the Ragunan line, heading to Dukuh Atas II. We were somewhere in Setiabudi Utara busway stop.

A BIG girl sat on the bus seat just behind me. She asked for direction to the man beside him.

BIG girl: “dfuabsofajnsdiuewnd iasdwpf23uu09e3208wuefoi” (this was distorted because I was fully attending my BB messenger)

man: “fausfaeaofeif apdsi SARINAH foiasdunfaiodncpawiea” (it’s not the BB messenger, it’s the YM for BB this time)

big GIRL: “okay”

That’s when I looked at both of them. The man was typical Javanese. The shy type. Probably nerd.

The big GIRL was really big. LOL. She had to sit a little bit to the front so her shoulders didn’t press against the persons sitting beside her. And her tummy.. unbelievable! Thankfully the beep in my BB shifted my attention or she would have noticed my gaping mouth while I stared at her stomach and my pretty face would have been battered into Rujak Thailand.

As the bus left the Setiabudi Utara and headed to the quite distant next stop of Latuharhary, this big girl phoned someone.

Big GIRL: “Mas, I was to stop at Sarinah right?”
………….. (she listened closely) “Yes, so I have to disembark at dukuh atas and then change corridor and head for Kota” (this must have come from the man sitting beside her, which is true if she wanted to go to Sarinah)……………”What?” (this was probably because my BB rang and she couldn’t catch the voice from her cell)

……… “What? So where should I disembark?” (oow ooh, I thought, so the Sarinah is not the destination. Interesting. BB messenger could wait a few minutes. The driver had just closed the door to the Latuharhary stop)… (she listened quite a long time and then she began to get panicked) “So I’d better disembark now?” (We were in the middle of the road, what did she mean by “disembark NOW”?)

“Yes yes, I’ll disembark. So it’s not Sarinah?” ….. “I’ll disembark. I’d just passed it. HARIHARI, right?” (OH MY GOD, what is HARIHARI. It’s Latuharhary. Where did she catch HARIHARI bus stop?) “Yes, I’d just go out at the next stop and head back, right?” (STUPID!) “okay then” (and she hung up the phone smiling)

‘OKAY THEN?’ The one she was talking to definitely had no idea that she COULD NOT just head back the other direction to get to HARIHARI…. er Latuharhary. Latuharhary was one way station, it could not be reached like usual busway station simply by taking the oposite lane and heading back!

I looked at the man who sat beside her. He must have listened to her conversation the whole time and he should know that it’s wrong for her to get out at Halimun. Once she exited Halimun, she had two choices: taking the opposite lane would make her change corridor to Pulogadung line, and she’d be lost even farther. Second choice: if she’s smart and asked around first before taking decision, she would take back the same line she dropped off and continued to Dukuh Atas.

But she didn’t ask the man sitting beside her nor the man gave any suggestions that her idea of taking the opposite lane at Halimun was wrong. He just stared straight at nothing and let out a little hint of dull smile. Either he had no idea or he was not smart enough to figure how to get back to HARIHARI or he just didn’t care or he just liked to see one’s travel got screwed up.

The operator announced “Halimun Halimun, transit to Pulogadung”

I wanted to tell her that she’d better not get off here. The right way to do it was to continue to Dukuh Atas, got out, queued for the same line back to Setiabudi Utara (she had to get out since she didn’t have a ticket to continue), took the opposite lane at Setiabudi Utara and got off at HariHari. Quite a pain in the ass, but it’s better than taking the bus to Pulogadung which would be damn far away from HariHari.

I wanted to tell her despite her big belly…

BUT ALAS, my beloved friend texted me to my BB’s YM. When I was to choose saving a lady or get an opportunity to touch the incredible keyboard of my BB again, what would I choose? OF COURSE you know my answer!

So I shifted my attention back to my BB, smiled at the response from my friend, and acted like nothing happened. Oh well, something happened. She did exit at Halimun, confidently.

See you at Pulogadung then, tummy lady! Blame BB and my friend who texted me. If someone said the keyword is “location, location, location”, maybe i could perfect it to “timing, timing, timing”.