Rudy Yuan’s Streak oF BluE

So, how’s everybody doing lately? Me? Do you asking about
how I am doing too? Haha. I’ll pretend you ask me that, though you might not!
Well, I might as well not tell you for curiosity sake. LoL. Judging from the
laugh and all, I think you can assume something out, right?

I have just finished watching a K-drama, which is a good
one, I can say, and inspires me to write this blog. I don’t know why, but
writing blog has been a way to channel all the feelings stuck inside me lately.
It’s a good way, you know.

I do not intend to discuss the drama, but I’d like to tell
the story from the background of why I write this. This drama, with K
signifies the shorthand for Korean, is just another usual love drama comedy. I
laughed pretty hard in the beginning, got more serious in the middle, and
cried in the end. You read right, I cried! Lol! That is the topic I want to
discuss about. I know it is very weird for a man to cry, more badly when it is
for some foolish movie. I know it is quite such a woman. I know it makes me
look weak as a man. Whack! Whack! Whack! Like I Care! LoL. So, if you want to
think of me that way, just do whatever. Now, have we got past
that? The topic today is “what makes me…” Let’s start with what makes me cry…

What makes me cry? This writing will truly show how fragile I am, I
guess, since I cry for a lot of things. Lol. Relax, I usually never cry in
front of people. I still have the meaning of the word “embarrassing” in the
back of my consciousness. So, what makes me cry?

1. movies

It has proved as a potent
cry-maker for me! If you want to see me with all the tears, you’d better start offering me movies. I, of course, will be very very smart to avoid seeing it
together with you. Lol.

The first movie I saw that made
me cry dated back to a time when I was still an elementary student. I still
remember I was lying on my side on the old sofa of the living room, watching
the movie not some 3 meters away. The reason why I can still recall it because
the movie was so touching and I can still remember how I cried back then. The
tears were all over my face, even wetted the sofa. I couldn’t stop back then.
There’s a saying, you can never stop tears from flowing out once they come out.
I cried so hard then that it rocked my body uncontrollably. The humiliating
part came when some of my neighboring friends came and saw me that way. I
ignored them when they asked me if something’s wrong. Lol. They even went downstairs
and asked my mom why I had been crying that bad. My mother, not knowing
anything about my crying, was confused and came later. The movie was damn
making me cry! The title of the movie was a famous one: “shi shang zhi you mama
hao” which translates roughly to “only mama is kind in this world”. I could
still remember how to sing the part of the song, but didn’t remember the story.
But it for sure has something to do with mom. HaHa

Waaa, stories about families have
always been a touching one for me. Like “1 liter of tears”. The part which made
me cry the hardest was the story when the little brother didn’t want to admit
her sister as her own family. It was surely so annoying and so touching in the
end!

Well, sometimes love stories can
make me cry, but only some very good one. Well, I can count it even with one
hand how many times I cry for such movies, like the drama I have just finished.
Damn, my room-neighbor friend can even guess on which part I cry. Lol. It is
surely a good part.

Heroic story. This happened only
once. It was about a war movie. Well, the killings didn’t do any good for
crying. I cried so suddenly in the middle of the movie when the president made
some speech. The words were just unbearable when it came. The tears were so
sudden I didn’t expect it. I think the director made the flow of the story
quite nicely, though I didn’t like the casting. Lol.

2. whip

Whip! Whip! Have you ever been
whipped before? It was painful. I got it even since I was a little one, from my
dad. Is it a good way of educating children? I don’t know, but I turn out to be
a fine nice good smart clever man, don’t I, well a little bit narcissistic.
Lol. He usually whipped me with rattan the most, using the back part of a
feather-duster. Well, since I was the first kid, I experienced most of the
whipping compared to my little brother. Maybe they thought it was a little bit
harsh to do so later after my brother was born. It was kind of cruel, and the
pain lasted long after the whipping, leaving a trace of swollen flesh, painful
to the touch. When I was younger, I cried instantly when the first hit came. My
dad face was usually red with anger and it was so fearful that I could sense
the hardness of the stick even before it reached my skin. Later after growing
older, I didn’t want to give in so easily of course. I cried after several
hits. When I think back, it might not the pain after all which make me cry.
Maybe it’s the guilt and the fact that how a family could do such things to me.
It is like they rejected you as family. It is like you were so bad that you
were so deserved it.

Fyuh, I used to hate my dad for
it. I seldom talked to him even when he tried to elaborate the conversation.
Well, he is not a cruel angry-all-the-time kind of dad. He is just a normal dad
with a rattan as a tool in his hand. He stopped the whipping when I was in the
junior high. But the subconscious just won’t go away so easily, I guess. When I
went back home at university holiday, I would feel how nice he actually was. I
think he did all for the best of me. Hm, I began to tolerate the whipping even
when I was a child actually. It started when I went to my cousin house one day
and accidentally saw how her brother was hit more horribly. I started to think
that my dad had mercy after all. Well, I might thank him for all that.

Ahh, it’s a long writing already. I think I’ll end it here.
Hicks, it makes me recall my family. So missing them all. So missing the food.
So missing my home.

Do you think crying make a man less a man? I think it is a
good way to let out the emotions. After the crying, I actually feel better and
am able to think more clearly. Usually I feel like a better man, for a moment
only though. Lol. I like crying for movies. It is just expressive. It shows
I have watched a good movie. It shows I still have feelings. It shows that I
still have tears to cry. It shows that the cold of the world hasn’t reached
into me. It shows I have a dream to go for. It shows that I am still human. Do you cry?

God help me! this is the third blog within a week. it must seem that i really don’t have anything to do all the time!! wakakkak. like the hell!

so, i am hanging out right now in my friend’s lab. could u actually call it “hanging out”? and don’ get cheated by the word “lab”. it has nothing to do with the good words such as “working”, “researching”, or whatever. i am actually waiting for a friend. lord, he is so slow! i have waited for almost one hour now, and still i don’t get any news from him. it’s not that i don’t like waiting. i don’t like waiting without doing anything!!

so here i am, trying to suppress my impatient by writing this obscured blog.
hhhhhhhh, what should i write this time?

let’s talk about the most admired novel author in my life! hehe. Sidney Sheldon. kennen Sie ihn? do u know him?
well, i’ve read all his books, and only two or three of them that i don’t like. the one i like the most is “Master of the Game”. it starts with the story of a kid, dreaming to be rich, by hunting for diamonds in the south africa long away from his homeland in england. well, that is not the main story. the main character focuses on his granddaughter, which later inherited the boy’s great fortune after he succeeded finding a pile of diamond (with suspenseful events and adventures). the story goes on a life drama after that. i know most people don’t like reading about life drama, but the story was one filled with determination, power, wealth, tricks, lies, hatred, love, and so on. well,that was the first novel that kept me a whole night without sleeping. besides the compelling stories, i like the way Sidney wrote his story. well, surely reading the english version is so much relieving and comprehending than the translated ones.

well, most of his writings are an old ones. He published two more books recently (i mean, within 6 years, if i’m not mistaken), but i don’t like them very much. the new author that can relive my excitement is Dan Brown. I know he is famous for “The Da Vinci Code” he wrote. well, i must admit that he did quite a nice job in that one, leaving me quite astonished with all the truth in the end. he also plotted quite a nice mind puzzling codes. however, that’s not my favorite writing. i like “angels and demons” better. i don’t know why. When i read da vinci, i stopped for sleep in the night. that was not the case with angels n demons. i barely slept through the dawn, although i had to read it in my computer. wow, i’m looking forward to reading another piece from him. apparently he writes quite good novels too.

another author: john grisham. well, i’ve tried several books, but i don’t like his type of story, i guess, despite the bestselling title he gets. the only books i finished reading were “the rainmaker” (in which the main character’s name is the same as mine!! hahah) and “pelican brief” (the reason i finished this because the movie version was starred by julia roberts, my all time favorite artist!).

paolini. wow, this kid is just wonderful. in his so young age, he can devise quite a thorough story of eragon. the story is nothing like LOTR in complexity and literature, but still he can create quite a nice imagination. it wins my heart over harry potter, i guess. i read potter so i won’t be left behind with all the chitchat, i guess. hhahha. no lah, i like potter too, i just don’t like his character. kind of arrogant. and it seems like he is not the best after all. i dream for perfection which he doesn’t have. lOl

arrrgh, my friend is still not coming. i almost run out of favorite author. hahahaha. michael crichton is a good one too. he usually writes science fiction. I was first hooked to his books through “timeline”, about a time travel machine. wow, it was full of adventure. “Sphere” is very mysterious. it has been made into film, if i’m not mistaken.

arrrggghhh again. he’s still not coming. but i’m out. it’s kind of exhausting writing this blog. hahaha. do u like any writer in particular? mayb u can recommend something for me to read. something that will revive my night long habit of reading. ahh, it’s hard to find good books now. all the new books do is copying a story, especially from the da vince core story. huh!

thankfully, here he comes now. also, auf wiedersehen. c ya! nb: don’t have time to make it colorful this time. lol

so, after seeing my own blog, the one filled with resentment and hatred, i declare that i like it very much! it’s not that i like what i wrote in it, it’s just that i like the look of it. u know, how the colorful words getting amid the great color of blue, living it up, merrying up the gloomy words….

anyway, like i have said before, two blogs in a short time isn’t a good sign for me. it means i have so little thing to do that i spend my time writing this. but actually, i am kind of stuck with my final project, of which deadline is coming closer, reaching into me like SADAKO. i can imagine her hairs stretching out everywhere, ready to trap me in her deadly world.

just, what am i talking about?? so, if your English is great enough (yup, it definitely poses an offense. i dare you… haha), i think you’d notice some fatal grammatic error on my last writing. don’t judge my english just yet, pal! it’s just another uncontrolled influence from my german. wakakak. another beautifully executed excuse.

so, as you can see, there’s nothing important here… let’s start with the topic: “i like”

i like BLUE, because it is so calm. it is the color of the water, the color of wisdom. it’s the color which makes you curious and deep, and meaningful.
i like sparks, because it can be so spontaneous. it is bright, and it is often damaging. i like it because it is brilliant in color and in shape.
i like to be cool, so i needn’t show any excessive expressions in front of people i don’t know, so they would treat me with curiosity. i like it because it’s just so cool. well, by ‘cool’ i mean, icy cool. hhahaha
i like the sky, since it is blue.
i like the water, since it is blue.
i like the night, since it is just as calm as blue.
i like to sing, though my voice might not be able to be compared to the idols’. it’s just a way to express the feeling, so it doesn’t load my heart with burden. i like to sing because i like to think my voice is good, though it’s not. it’s just my way of life. so i like to sing!
i like to be with closed friends, since they don’t care when i talk nonsense, or do nonsense. they don’t judge me, so i won’t be hurt. they don’t see me as strange, though maybe i am. i like to be with friends, so i can see them in my reminiscence in the future.
i like europe, though i have never been there. i like it for its rich culture and its long bloody artistic melodramatic history. i like it for the old great buildings of men. i like it for the vast grandeur of it. i like it because it intrigues me.
i like to see people smile, because i can sometimes be happy just by seeing those. it makes me think that the world might be a good place after all. it gives me a glint of hope, that they might include me in their happiness. i like it because it’s part of kindness. i like it because i don’t smile very good.
i like to dream. i can just create everything i like in it. i’d think myself as magician, director, actor, ruler, some famous people, hero, and even nobody. it makes you so secure in your own world, away from the hectic life.

well, i like a lot of things, but which do u like in me? hehehe. don’t sweat urself thinking about it. i think by thinking over what u like can make you value more what that is you like. thank you for liking me if you do. thank you for hating me, if that’s the fact. it means that i can cut short the list about what i like. well, i almost never hate people for more than 24 hours. my motto is, forget it all by sunrise! by ‘it’ i refer to every annoying thing!

ok, close the window after u put ur comment. don’t make me waste ur time any longer, ok? haaehae.

i suddenly remember a part of alicia keys’ “if i ain’t got u“.

>>some people think, that the physical things define what’s within…that life’s a bore, so full of the superficial<<

has everything been “superficial“? do you feel superficial? has everything been about how you are on the facade of your looks? on the facade of your skin color? on the facade of your physique? why are there so little people out there, who are willing to penetrate into the depths, regardless of what appears out front. is there any anymore, i wonder.

i don’t know why i write this. but when i reflect into myself, i assess what i am. what am i, anyway? what i have said, does that define something in me?
unfortunately not. who am i to judge people. on how they should live their life. what am i to address people, on how to make me feel better, how to make me feel comfortable.
it’s so self-centered, yet i feel so complicated. it makes me want to scream, scream in mute. why can’t i just be “that” that i want. i need something to hold on. or i’m gonna spin around, till everything fades away, and there i am, in the midst of nothing and nowhere.

again, who am i to judge? who am i to judge myself on how to live my life. i can’t even decide on myself. my own life. why set i myself free, despite all the god-damned effort. i’m a chained person after all. chained in the midst of nowhere. chained to nothing…

it’s just another irritating comment, that makes me wanna write all this. no, it’s not a comment on my fs, it’s a direct conversation insult, which simply shockingly flames me up! that is why i keep all to myself. so i can chain myself. so that i can refrain from screaming out loud. so i can scream in mute.